The Fear of Starting Over

I have a confession:

I may have found myself in complete fear of happiness simply because if I’m happy, there is a chance that I will soon find myself with a broken heart.

It’s as if I don’t expect good fortune, at least not in truly good fortune fashion. It’s more like finding something amazing only to face misfortune around the next turn in the road.

Like a wish on a star that will somehow turn into a curse as the days drag on.

Have you ever felt this way?

I try not to let this kind of thing cloud my mind because I genuinely appreciate the little things in life and I believe that with a little hard work there are a million possibilities. But I must admit that there are those times where I doubt the validity of the the good fortune I face.

Maybe my anxieties amplify this tendency a little more than I even realize. Maybe my trust has been broken one too many times and I’m faced with my greatest insecurities as they try to win a staring contest.

What happens if they win?

Over the last couple of years I’ve faced some disappointing a frustrating situations. I have felt betrayed and abandoned with no choice but to find my balance and stand, even when I wasn’t sure I could. And believe me, there were days that were messy and tear filled. But with determination and support from friends and family, I found that facing those hard days could be turned around and become a day filled with only the sound of laughter and joy.

I have truly surprised myself with how many times I’ve said that I couldn’t deal with the pain or the crappy situation I was facing only to turn around and grow into the person that could.

I still have some days I wonder whether I can face what the day may bring and I have to encourage myself to simply stand.

The question still comes up if something is too good to be true, and I still find myself anxious about what the future holds, but somewhere along the way I learnt that I had an unknown strength. And that strength helps me face the idea that starting over isn’t as scary as I might have thought it was.

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