I Have Nothing To Give

Relationships can be very hard.
    Whether its a romantic one, platonic, a relationship with a relative or close friend, there needs to be a giving nature on both sides in order to promote a strong and lasting bond.

    A few years ago I was in a car accident that changed everything. I’ve watched as my life has been turned upside down with pain, appointments, changes to my body, changes to my mind, and changes with basic human interactions.
    Some that have made me stronger.
    Some of them broke my heart and left the shattered pieces laying on the floor.
    Lately I have been very focused on not letting the idea of tomorrow stop me from enjoying and seizing today. And although I will talk about that at another time, there is something I want to talk about that is perhaps quite negative and sad. But hopefully through writing this I am able to start the healing process and perhaps these things may resonate with you as well.
    One of the worst things to happen to me lately has been that I’ve taken the cruel and mean words of others to heart and it has truly torn me apart. I feel like I’m a horrible friend and that no one could possibly love me because of these things.
    That feeling is devastating.
    So I have nothing to give, when I wake up in the middle of the night to a nightmare and I’m shaking from the fear.
    I have nothing to give when I have walked ten minutes and my back is in spasms and I feel like I’m going to pass out.
    I have nothing to give when a random crowd triggers a panic attack and I’m stuck in the ladies washroom for 40 minutes trying to settle my heart rate down.
    I have nothing to give when I lay awake until 4 am with a million random questions that won’t stop.
    I have nothing to give after a “Quick Trip” to the grocery store and I’ve only put away the groceries for the fridge.
    I have nothing left to give after I’ve spent even an hour in a shopping mall or event that brings crowds of loud people.
    I have nothing to give if you don’t understand why I’m having another panic attack, and I can’t always explain why I have them. Believe me I wish I knew when they were going to happen, and I can’t stop them from happening either.
    I have nothing left to give after I’ve spent the day at doctors appointments and tests.
    I have nothing left when the doctor once again tells me that I have to lose weight and implies I’m not trying.
    I have nothing to give when my time is monopolized by someone who is cruel and who calls me selfish.
    I have nothing to give even after a short day at work.
    I have nothing to give when I’ve woken from a panic attack and stepped straight into a nightmare where I see illusions and feel physically attacked.
    I have nothing to give when someone has broken my heart for the hundredth time or put me in second place.
    I have nothing to give when all I’ve been doing is giving the wrong person everything.
    There are some days where I have absolutely nothing to give.
    Those are the days that I stay home, abandon plans, or only stay for a few moments before heading home.
    There are days when I feel sick from the pain and I can’t bear the thought of seeing judgment or pity in the eyes of a stranger.
    There are days where I feel as though my lack of ability is going to be used against me and the simple thought of that reality makes falling asleep again and facing the nightmares somehow more bearable.
    This isn’t me everyday. I fight for some sort form of normality and I can succeed in it, but there are other days it is honestly a win just to get up and face the sunshine without feeling out of place.
    I try every single day to love with all that my heart has to give, to hug a person who might be feeling alone. I try to smile at the people I interact with, to be reliable and constant for the people I call family. I think that kindness can be the bridge between two misunderstood opinions, but please don’t assume that I will a doormat.
    I’ve got too much flying for silly things like that.
    Every day is a vastly different day and I will continue to fight the good fight, I just some days need to stay home and watch cartoons in order to do so.

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