First of all there is something that I have to tell you:
Yesterday was a truly awful day.
I had a very early doctor appointment after I struggled all of the night to sleep, and then in the afternoon I was faced with adversity and opinions that felt as if it would break me entirely.
If my heart could control the weather there would have been a great deal of rain to match the tears that fell down my face.
I’m not perfect.
I have many (many) flaws and things that I struggle with every single day. I procrastinate on what seems to be a daily basis, struggle with self-esteem, and I avoid conflict as if it were a communicable disease.
And this particular formula of living is not conducive to a healthy heart, mind, or body.
While keeping this all in mind, I have also had a great deal of heartbreak, pain, and obstacles that seem insurmountable when I’m having a good day. But I pride myself that I get up everyday and face the daunting days along with the joyful ones, that I work towards goals and push myself to try even if I don’t know if I will succeed. Over the last couple of years I have experienced some very hard lessons, endured hurtful words, spiteful action, and in the end made choices to better myself.
Perhaps that’s why the opinions I faced today, and have faced for a while, really cut deep. Valid points were made, but there was also a complete disregard for the struggles and obstacles that I not only faced in the past, but are continual problems that I rise above every moment of every day.
To address the vagueness of this post so far, I have a variety of injuries and pain due to an accident that I was not at fault for in any way. It has affected my mental and physical health to almost crippling degrees. And that’s why when I was faced with medical professionals who were choosing to be ignorant of the steps I have taken so far to better my health and what I am dealing with on a daily basis, not only broke my heart but it also made me angry as hell.
There was even a moment as I sat and tried to process everything I was hearing, that I started to cry. The mood in the room shifted but the way I was spoken to did not.
Now this is the point to remember that I avoid conflict at all costs. But I gathered the strength and stood up for myself in that moment even though it seemed to fall on deaf ears, although my bitterness for the entire situation may be coloring my perception different from reality.
But I was proud for speaking against the unfair way things were being said and implied. And then when the appointment was over I walked slowly to my car and cried.
Believing in ourselves and fighting for fair treatment in our personal lives is hard. And I’m not saying that everything in life should be free, our world would crumble fast with those parameters, but a decent acknowledgment for a job well done is something that has to be fought for in our current times. And I do not agree with that.
To be proud of an accomplishment is very often accused of being overbearing or lacking in humility. To feel confident in your looks no matter the opinions of others is thought to be vain. To fight for what you believe in is to be stuck up or ignorant. And to have a higher standard of how others should treat you in regards to respect can end with being accused of selfishness and being smug.
I know the road is going to be long and arduous, and I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I believe I have the strength and smarts to get me through whatever crosses my path.
But can we show a bit more kindness to those around us? We have no idea of the struggles they face everyday as well.