All I want for Christmas is… Me

     In previous years my exuberant and overwhelming enthusiasm for the Christmas holidays was quite obvious to those around me. I could hardly wait to trim the tree and decorate the house with ornaments and little knick-knacks until finally I could simply feel the Christmas spirit in the air.

     Believe me, I’m that obnoxious person that in mid November has already done most of this and is preparing for December first so that I can play my favorite Holiday songs without too much judgement.
     But this holiday season has snuck up on me and I have to confess I have a serious case of the “bah humbugs”. It’s something that I have managed to avoid for almost 28 years, but it has finally caught up with me.
      You see, 2016 has not been the most favorable year for me, and I have a feeling that I’m not the only one who shares this sentiment. There have been hardships, loss, emotional damage, and heartbreak. It’s been a year of growth, and although that is a positive quality, it didn’t come entirely without pain. But somehow I feel like I don’t even exactly know who the person is in the mirror anymore.
     I’ve written before about my depression and anxiety and it has been something that I’ve spent a great deal of time learning to understand and deal with. I attended a group therapy, learned to meditate and focus my mind, and also how to interact with others who were dealing with the same things I was facing. And although it was extremely helpful, it’s not a cure.
     I am thankful for the resources provided to me that gave me insight to my mental illness, and also to the team of specialist whom I’m working with to become a healthier person. My weeks are filled with appointments, but it makes me happy to see that progress is being made. I’ve been living in pain for far too long.
     Physically and Emotionally.
     But then up steps my heart, and the emotions that are right along side of it. I’ve mourned this year due to lost friends, hurtful breakups, and some of the toughest choices I’ve had to make. And the most heartbreaking part of it all is that I know that things aren’t just going to snap into “easy mode” or I’m going to get to pass go and collect my $300.
     Life just doesn’t play by those rules, does it?
     But you wanna know something that I do know? That no matter how brutal life can be, or what roads I must travel to find those little pieces of myself that I may have forgotten over the years. I know I will make it. I know I am strong. And I know, that I’m capable of much more than what I can even dream.
      And you know what? So are you.
     There are always going to be challenges, pain, and doubt. But when you believe in yourself and work hard, there is nothing that can stop you.
     So let’s make 2017 a year of laughter, connection, family, and discovery of who we are in the very moment. No judgement or sadness for what we “should be” but just an appreciation of what we’ve gone through that got our butts to the here and now.
     Then with a triumphant breath, let’s take a step off of a ledge and have faith in ourselves that we know we can fly. Yeah we may fall, but what if we soar?
     I don’t know what will happen or if I’ll be graceful at every sharp turn in the road. But I’m gonna do my best, and that’s all that matters.
So Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

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